I'm Better Than You, Because I'm Driving an S63.

"Andrew Fails" (fails) 07/21/2015 at 23:45 • Filed to: S63, AMG, review, S class, Mercedes, Benz, luxury, euro, German, import

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There are luxury cars, then there are German luxury cars, then there is the Mercedes Benz S-Class. It is a monolithic brick of teutonic engineering. The S-Class is a car designed to place your comfort above all else. These days it seems that everyone’s interpretation of a luxury car is to try and beat the BMW M5 at its own game. An admirable goal as the M5 is a staggering feat of engineering, but the answer to every question does not have to be rock hard suspension and Nurburgring lap records. The S63 is luxury in the classic definition. Soft leather, wood inlays, and an effortless drive.

Cars these days are heavier than they’ve ever been. It is not unheard of for a sedan to weigh over two tons. A decade or two ago, that was the weight of a Suburban, but now an Audi S8 weighs nearly the same. Most manufacturers use heavily assisted electronic steering racks to mask this bulk. You can lightly spin the wheel with one finger, completely forgetting the thousands of pounds of steel wrapped around you. That is not the case in the S63. It is heavy. Unabashedly, unashamedly so. Within the first dozen feet you are very aware of the mass at your control. But mass does not mean unwieldy. It feels solid. Stable. Monolithic.

What happens, then, when you give this paragon of old-world luxury over to the frothing lunatics at AMG? It would be easy for them to ruin the formula, but they actually keep it reined in. Well, reined in for AMG. The ride is still compliant, and the stereotypical raucous exhaust has been dialed down. Until you really put your foot in it, the performance capabilities are fairly innocuous.

Oh, sure, you can dial the Active Body Control over to Sport, and shift using the paddles behind the wheel, but that just misses the point. Manual shifting takes an eon to relay your request, and the big girl never feels light on her feet. This is not some lithe and agile track weapon, it is a bruiser of a grand tourer. The sole purpose of all that power to allow you to leave the peasants behind, choking on your aristocratic dust. For remember, you are better than them, because you have an S63 and they don’t.

The S63 was well over $100,000 when new. It may not be the most expensive car I’ve ever driven, but it certainly feels like it. But, more importantly, it looks like it. People have a primeval response to a blacked out S-Class rolling up on the curb. You instantaneously become a person of distinction. Not necessarily one of class, but one of note. Being human, occasionally you have to play up the role.

While the S63 does not encourage quite the flagrant disregard of all restrictions in the manner of a sportbike, there is the subtle suggestion that certain things are beneath you. Not because the rules are flawed, it’s just that you are important, and everyone should cater to your whims.

Surely that speed limit doesn’t apply to you.

You own an S63.

Of course you can park there.

You own an S63.

The front passenger should move out of your way when you’re in the back.

Because fuck them, you own an S63.

That’s right, the rear passenger can move the front passenger’s seat. Because the person being driven is the one with the power. With one little button press, you commandeer their seat controls. If they could have legally allowed the rear passenger to control the driver seat as well, I’m sure they would have. From the luxurious back, you also can control the shade on the rear sunroof (because of course it has two) as well as the shades on both rear side windows and rear windshield.

With some cars, it is difficult to tell where all the money has gone. Within the first hundred yards in this, it is blatantly obvious what you are paying for. The S63 just feels expensive, in the most glorious way. There is something to be said for a car that is worth more than your house, that can easily cruise at double or triple any speed limit in the nation. Whether in the front seat or the back, you feel just that little bit more important than the other plebeians on the road. Because you are. After all, they’re not in an S-Class.

Full disclosure: the folks at Pure Pursuit Automotive were nice enough to let me borrow the S63, so the least you could do is go buy it: !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

AM3R shamefully returns > Andrew Fails 07/21/2015 at 23:55

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And I’m better than you, because I drive an S65 AMG.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Andrew Fails 07/21/2015 at 23:56

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I love these cars, but I have to say, given the choice on a new one, I would take the more luxury oriented S600 over the hotrod S63. If I really had to get the performance version of a full-sized barge, I’d probably spring for an S8. That being said, I would still kill for an S63.

Birddog > Andrew Fails 07/21/2015 at 23:58

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I was afraid this would happen. The “Tavarish” virus is spreading.

Whelp.. Grab the Pitchforks and Torches. Gotta Nip this in the Bud.

Wobbles the Mind > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 00:06

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Didnt need to go that high up. A base S600 cost more than the S63 AMG. Honestly the 63 is the best bargain in the lineup.

Gamecat235 > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 00:08

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For when you absolutely, definitely, need more torque than you have any right to.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > Andrew Fails 07/22/2015 at 00:16

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Indeed

DrJohannVegas > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 00:36

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AM3R shamefully returns > DrJohannVegas 07/22/2015 at 00:48

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That's hilarious, where is it from? Feels very SNL to me.

DrJohannVegas > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 00:53

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Mr. Show. It’s pretty solid. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Show_…

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Andrew Fails 07/22/2015 at 01:10

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Old S-class is for plebs. V222 S65 laughs at you.

macanamera > Gamecat235 07/22/2015 at 07:07

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I mean I’ve got 600 lb/ft at like 1800 rpm and I’m pretty sure that qualifies as more torque than I have any right to have. The 738 in the 65 is like..more torque than a HD pickup has any right to have.

macanamera > Andrew Fails 07/22/2015 at 07:09

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I would absolutely take an S600 over an S63. I want the luxury version of the luxury car, not the sport version of the luxury car. Plus, the S600 honestly has more “I’m better than you” feel to it than any other S class except the Maybach.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 08:02

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It’s as The Clarkson said about the Aston DBS.

You could save the extra money and buy a standard DB9. You would also be very happy with it. Until you were at a set of lights and someone pulled alongside in a DBS and you would feel hopeless and inadequate and you would have to kill yourself.

The wisdom of The Clarkson.

spanfucker retire bitch > Gamecat235 07/22/2015 at 09:37

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What does that say about the Bentley Mulsanne Speed with over 800lb/ft of torque?

Tapas > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 11:22

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I’m better than you, because I drive a Maybach Landaulet.

Fast, marble-inlaid, 4 door convertible. Thats something you don’t hear, let alone see, very often :D

AM3R shamefully returns > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 07/22/2015 at 11:33

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Extremely wise words

Andrew Fails > Birddog 07/22/2015 at 14:25

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Tavarish virus?

Andrew Fails > AM3R shamefully returns 07/22/2015 at 14:26

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S65 is next week hopefully.

Needless to say, none of these are my cars, I just get to spend time with them for my job.

Andrew Fails > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/22/2015 at 14:27

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The S8 is quite possibly the best all-rounder I've ever driven. It blew my mind.

TheVicious > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 11:57

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Thanks, but I’m good.

EL_ULY > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 07/24/2015 at 11:59

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+1

Fat Val Kilmer > Birddog 07/24/2015 at 12:00

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Mercedes Streeter > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:00

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Why...why two badges in so close proximity of each other? It’s like “just in case you didn’t know I’m a Mercedes, here’s a reminder!”

traderQAMobileTestAutomationMobileBoostOn > Tapas 07/24/2015 at 12:01

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You’re really a pleb if you drive it. Ride in the backseat, then we’ll talk.

gearboxtrouble > AM3R shamefully returns 07/24/2015 at 12:01

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That’s gorgeous. The S65 coupe looks even better. The S class is where Mercedes’ current design language works so well. It looks really awkward on the smaller C and E classes but with the S class you can just tell that this is where it was always meant to work.

SlabSheetrock > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:02

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You know, “Why buy a new Pacticalmobile/have a savings account/invest in your kids’ college fund when you can buy this fully depreciated uberPanzer for less?”

Quattro Bageena > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:03

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I’m better than you, because I’m driving a three pedal car with an S62.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:03

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Jesus, how much oil does that take?

EL_ULY > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:04

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I like you a lot sir.

-works at Merc dealer service department :]

David Schwartz > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:04

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If you want this kind of experience, don’t have a lot of $$$, and don’t mind being ignored, buy a VW Phaeton. I did, and I don’t regret it.

wlb50 > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:05

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I think the S Class - since the W116 anyway (1970s) has been an amazing car on the freeway. You look over this expansive hood with the 3 pointed star (for land, sea and air for some cocktail trivia) and the car seems to say “whatever speed you want is OK with me”. Even had this feeling riding in a friend’s W140 S 320 - the massive car the Maybach was based on but this one powered only by an I6.

There was even a German saying about drivers in S Classes - imparting a built in right to pass - but a quick Google search revealed nothing...

wlb50 > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:06

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Makes up for having to review Hyundai base cars?

Someone Else's Projects > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/24/2015 at 12:06

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Indeed, many people have killed for their S63s, if indirectly.

move-over-peasant-I-have-an-M5-in-the-shop > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:07

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Why yes, I do have some grey poupon.

No, you may not have it.

Nathan Clarke > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:07

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I can’t wait for three to five years from now when I can pick one up for 20k!

CalBearsFan99 > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:08

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Unless you’re smoking out the rear lights...why people do this on top-end MB’s is beyond me.

MTY19855 > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:09

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The problem with big expensive Mercs is that very few people can tell the difference between your 150 grand S63 and a 35 grand CLA. A Merc is a Merc.

move-over-peasant-I-have-an-M5-in-the-shop > CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) 07/24/2015 at 12:09

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How much is there under Kuwait?

Yeah. That'll do.

MikeofLA > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:09

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Spy shot of the 2018 S Class

AGBullit235 > Mercedes Streeter 07/24/2015 at 12:10

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I know on the older Mercs, that badge on the grille, had the crest with “Mercedes-Benz” which identifies the brand. I suspect that is probably why, and the 3-pointed star is the symbol. Its a good question though, it would be interesting to find the whole story on that. To the archives!

Voice of C. Montgomery Burns > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:10

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When I see an S63, I think “Heh, I could afford that car now that this rich dude has driven it for a year or two.”

MikeofLA > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/24/2015 at 12:11

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I disagree with your last statement. Proof being, you have not yet killed for an S63. They are quite common, and one can be had for the low price of one battle ax... or bullet, whatever you prefer.

jjhats > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 07/24/2015 at 12:12

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ive said this countless times. your not fooling anyone. if I see you driving this and your under 30 I know you bought used for a fraction and aresnt as wealthy as you look. buying a new top of the line Mercedes is borderline insane and stupid but that’s what seperates the plebs from the richies

Mercedes Streeter > AGBullit235 07/24/2015 at 12:12

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Oh of course! I have no issue with that...but instead of the crest...it’s just two tri-stars. *Confusion intensifies*

mopo > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:13

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Where’s the full body shot!? These partial pics are a damn cock tease.

daryl bowden > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/24/2015 at 12:13

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Admittedly I’m a MB homer (we currently own 3), but I much prefer the S63 to the S8. The interior is far more luxurious in the S63 (and S65 which I adore but even I’m not that stupid) and neither of them is what you would call lithe or nimble. Sure, the S5 is a little more nimble, but that’s like saying GW Bush is little smarter than Jeb Bush, they’re still both idiots so wouldn’t you rather have the one who swaddles your ass with the finest materials on earth (I’m back to talking about the cars, I promise I don’t have a bush fetish) and just feel nicer?

ShamalamalamaDingdong > Tapas 07/24/2015 at 12:14

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Unlikely

KSEGGFTW > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:14

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No, I’m better than you.

Iamopenlyjudgingyou > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:18

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I see these all over the place. Typically driven by those terrified of driving over 55mph outside of NYC.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > daryl bowden 07/24/2015 at 12:18

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Fair point.

McTurtle > Gamecat235 07/24/2015 at 12:19

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Yeh but sometimes it’s just cool to say ‘I have all the torques’!

BigGatorChris > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:19

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Oh, sure, you can dial the Active Body Control over to Sport

Assuming it isn’t broken.

Gin and Panic > Mercedes Streeter 07/24/2015 at 12:23

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So everyone still knows you’re driving a Mercedes after someone pulls the hood ornament off.

mario19062 > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:25

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This article is going to chafe so many asses.

Gin and Panic > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:25

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I’m better than you because I only ride in the back of S Class Mercedes’.

jhar31 > CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) 07/24/2015 at 12:28

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All of it.

TractorPillow > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:28

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fun write-up! it is a gorgeous car, undoubtedly. I had a '85 420SEC for a few months and even at 30 years old, it still felt expensive. Next time post a pic of the full car, although the other shots are great.

shirosake > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:28

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No. No you’re not.

Buckner > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:32

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My awesome neighbors park theirs in their weed infested front lawn, in front of their dilapidated house, next to their broke down truck that has been also in lawn (weeds) forever. Yet, somehow still better than me.

Doug Nash > AM3R shamefully returns 07/24/2015 at 12:34

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Too bad about the Mercedes version of the Bengle-Butt. It would be a half-decent looking older ride, if not for that design flaw.

Cronus > Tapas 07/24/2015 at 12:34

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I’ve already scheduled my armored Maybach Pullman for delivery, commoner.

PhilP > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:35

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The nearest Benz dealer had one in the showroom a couple weeks ago when we dropped in to look at the C300. The sticker was $171,000. But dang, I think I’d rather have that thing than a Ferrari or Lamborghini. Maybe I’m getting old, but it’s more than fast enough for any purpose I could ever envision and then some, AND it coddles my chunky rear in the manner to which I would love to become accustomed.

Johnnyazz > MikeofLA 07/24/2015 at 12:36

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can I get mine in a shade blacker?

RyanFrew > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:40

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This looks like an absolute nightmare.

RyanFrew > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:42

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No pictures of the interior?! Your username suits you.

AMG OMG > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:44

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That’s right! ;-p

sebdel > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:46

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Let me fix this:

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

If you’re driving. you don’t know what luxury is. Also “sport mode”?
how vulgar..

Schaefft > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:49

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Sure, the S63 AMG is a nice car, but I’d be perfectly happy with this as well:

Needs to be black (or a nice shade of dark purple) though.

AspenRS > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/24/2015 at 12:50

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I like my cars to actually work....so that pretty much eliminates all German luxobarges. Audi though....they’re in a league of their own when it comes to things that can break.

1970camaroRS > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:51

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Nevermind.

Four-ring-circus > jjhats 07/24/2015 at 12:52

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I don’t understand- if you buy used you are a poseur but buying new is insane and stupid?

@Fail- just curious where you drove this? In the metro NYC area, there’s obviously plenty of money so lots of nice cars, but also even the car services drive S Class. So they just don’t even get much of a reaction around here. One of the reasons why I love my A8- don't want to drive the same thing as a car service company (Plus every S class driver seemed to be a fat balding old white guy- I am 40).

dieselectric > AGBullit235 07/24/2015 at 12:52

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As the owner of an older Merc, this annoys me even on the classics. There are plenty of other brands that never have the “name” on the car, and the Mercedes brand symbol is very strongly established. Mercedes seems very tied to their aerodynamically inefficient hood ornament, which I admit is cool.

But to make it worse, there is no way to cleanly remove and fill the badge holes, because the grille surround is chrome.

ICwater > AM3R shamefully returns 07/24/2015 at 12:53

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did you really pay someone to photograph your car?

GE90man > AM3R shamefully returns 07/24/2015 at 12:54

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Heh no because S63 has AWD.

dieselectric > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:55

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Exactly how many times does a brake caliper need to be branded AMG to get the point across?

T3CHSUPP0RT > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 12:58

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Because, y’know, he encourages people to buy cheap s-classes.

Vin > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:01

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S63: when your car’s name matches the age of the average buyer.

Fuel_of_Satan > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:03

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That’s right, the rear passenger can move the front passenger’s seat. Because the person being driven is the one with the power. With one little button press, you commandeer their seat controls.

And I was impressed my Merc’s rear wiper turned on automatically when I engaged reverse if the front wiper is on.

Also, that’s a good description of how Mercedes knows where the owner of their car is occupied. The E-Class came with rear headreasts which can be collapsed and raised from the drivers seat. The S-Class can adjust the front seats from the back.

Fuel_of_Satan > DrJohannVegas 07/24/2015 at 13:06

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I can see Saul having one of those in his office. It would fit the character.

greyspace > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:07

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This is coming from someone who has not driven the S8, but I just took a ‘14 A8 4.0T for a drive earlier this week. It would take quite some time before I thought to myself, “gee, this needs more power”.

I was 100% certain I wanted an A7 and its hatchback goodness when I went to the dealership. I wish the salesman hadn’t pushed me to drive the A8. Now the A7 feels pedestrian, and the S7 seems wildly overpriced. A8 4.0T Avant, where are you??!

ellomdian > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:08

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Sonderklasse? Sure, a ride of distinction and taste. It shows that you weren’t swayed by BMW in the late 90’s and early 00’s, and that you still think that Audi is way out of it’s league with the A8. I’d be curious to see the average age of actual driver/owners - it’s got to be above 55. It gets you respect around Germans, and that’s saying something.

But any time I see a Blacked-out S-Class, I am forced to wonder what kind of a poseur white gangster-wannabe douche-nozzle is driving the thing. Inevitably the rubber-band tires are dressed to within an inch of their lives, the exhaust has been modified to be noisier, and the driver will shove them into tiny gaps in traffic, signaling only as the car has already started to move laterally.

When you see a heavily modified BMW, it usually means the driver has at least some redeeming qualities. When you see a heavily modified Benzo, it usually means the driver should be careful around open flame lest the daily cologne bath catches fire.

ESSSIX GmbH - Accountant/Wagon Thumper > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:09

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Am I the only one disappointed that it looks like A C-class in each of these pictures.

dannyzabolotny > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:09

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So glad there’s still an oil dipstick.

RabidWombat88 > Mercedes Streeter 07/24/2015 at 13:11

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“Because fuck them, you own an S63.”

FlyFlyAway > Tapas 07/24/2015 at 13:18

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Can’t wait for these to deprecate.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > AspenRS 07/24/2015 at 13:18

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Amazingly, my A8L is comingu p on its 130,000th basically trouble free mile. I’m probably the exception, but still.

allthaticingandallthatcake > Tapas 07/24/2015 at 13:23

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You lie like a rug. Because if you owned it I bet you wouldn’t drive it. ;)

The Little Engine That Couldnt > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:28

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Jeeves, it smells like new money in here. Would you be a dear and transport me someplace a little more proper?

Crabonfibre > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:31

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Tavirush

daryl bowden > AspenRS 07/24/2015 at 13:32

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Have you ever owned one? I had some trouble with the BMW N54 engine, but beyond that I’ve had zero problems with any Mercedes or Audi I’ve owned in the last 15 years.

danbhayes > mario19062 07/24/2015 at 13:35

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But you know what doesn’t?

An S63

mata-mata > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 07/24/2015 at 13:37

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s class is an s class.

5mtFXT > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:38

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MMMMM twin turbos....M157 was such a badass motor.

AspenRS > daryl bowden 07/24/2015 at 13:39

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No, I bought an Infiniti..no issues. But my friends own them all and every car German car they’ve ever bought had issues. Believe it or not I had 5 friends with 335’s. All 5 broke down in various ways not to mention they all had the dreaded fuel pump issue. Two others swore by VW’s but would routinely be having to fix something. Another buddy always bought Mercedes AMG’s so he was just asking for problems and sure enough he got them. The Audi’s though seem to be the worst somehow.

Andrew Fails > wlb50 07/24/2015 at 13:46

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Never reviewed a Hyundai, wouldn’t know.

Andrew Fails > Four-ring-circus 07/24/2015 at 13:47

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I drove it in Kansas City. The midwest is starved for nice cars.

Andrew Fails > RyanFrew 07/24/2015 at 13:49

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I like to keep the expectations low.

BillGK > T3CHSUPP0RT 07/24/2015 at 13:49

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It’s pronounced ass-class

Chasaboo > Vin 07/24/2015 at 13:54

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I resemble that remark.

jimmy-buffett > Andrew Fails 07/24/2015 at 13:57

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With some cars, it is difficult to tell where all the money has gone. Within the first hundred yards in this, it is blatantly obvious what you are paying for. The S63 just feels expensive, in the most glorious way.

I remember the first time I couldn’t feel an automatic transmission car shift gears: it was in a 2000 Lexus GS 300 that my buddy’s dad had bought for him.

Personally, I think it’s madness to own any Merc or BMW, nevermind a high-end one. The depreciation and long-term cost of ownership are insane, for a car that tries to be luxury on 30-35 profile tires and tries to be sport in a 2+ ton chassis.

Give me a Lexus GS460 or LS460/600 any day. The GS is the drivers’ car, the LS is the passengers’ car. On flat interstate, the 8-speed automatic will have you pushing 30 MPG. At the dealership, just oil changes to 200K thank you. More luxury than sport? Yep. Take the maintenance savings over the Merc and invest in a low-miles S2000, because two cars (one of which is appreciating in value) is always better than one (radically depreciating one).